Are you having constant disagreements with your spouse? Do you feel that you are unable to make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect the other’s perspective? If so, you are experiencing marital gridlock!
Gridlock disagreements share four characteristics.
- You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
- Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
- The issue is becoming increasingly dividing.
- Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out- giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.
Neither of you have to give in or loose you acknowledge as discuss the issue without hurting one another. Happily married couples are aware of each other’s dreams and make it a goal in their marriage to help each other realize their dreams. What if you don’t know wat your spouse’s dream is? You will have to uncover the hidden dream. The dream will most likely not come out until you feel your marriage is in a safe place. That is why it is important to work on and create marriage skills that will make you both feel happy and secure. First, let you partner influence you. Second, turn toward your partner instead of away. Third nurture your admiration for one another. When you have incorporated these things into your relationship you will be ready to start overcoming gridlock.
Step1: Explore the Dream(s)
You will begin with writing your position about an issue then Focus on what each partner’s needs, wants and feelings about the situation. Do not bad-mouth or criticize your partner. Each partner takes a turn talking about what it means to you, describe the dream fueling it and what it symbolizes and why it is important. While their partner is doing this, the other partner withholds judgement and does not take it personally if there dream clashes with their own.
Step 2: Soothe
Pay attention to how your partner reacts and if you feel signs of stress alert your partner. Use repairs if either of you become upset. If needed stop for awhile and something that helps you feel calm.
Step 3:
Reach a temporary compromise
Step 4: Say Thank You to your partner!
[1] Image: Mistletoe couple
[2] John M. Gottman, PH.D., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, New York, 2115, Chapter 11 Overcome Gridlock.
Happy Eternal Marriage and Family 