According to John M. Gottman, PH.D., and relationship expert, there are two kinds of marital conflict: solvable and perpetual problems. (pg.170) [i] Like their names suggest, solvable disputes are those that are minor can be solved. Continuous conflicts are those conflicts that are not resolved and will probably be there for the rest of your lives. Gottman says that most disputes in marriages are perpetual (69%). (pg.171) [ii]
Thankfully you do not have to solve all your differences to have a happy marriage. You can learn not to let these problems overwhelm your relationship by keeping them in their place and have a sense of humor when approaching them.
When you are engaged in conflict, sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference, so how can you know? The issue does not appear as intense, painful, or you are arguing over a solvable problem in which you are concentrating on the dilemma or situation. For example, having to rush to work because both partners are not doing all they can to get out the door on time. When you are in perpetual conflicts, they are more intense because you are arguing without an underlying problem fueling the conflict. Something small like speeding can be about more significant issues like trust, security, and selfishness.[iii]
How can we manage conflict?
- Listen and express negative emotions in a way that does not make either party feel attacked but allows the message to make their voices heard and healing begin.
- No one is right, and there is no absolute reality, two subjective realities.
- Acceptance of each other is crucial.
- Focus on fondness and admiration, not faults.
If you and your partner remember these concepts, you can manage your marital conflict and have a happy marriage.
[i] John M. Gottman, PH.D., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Harmony Books, New York, 2015.
[ii] John M. Gottman, PH.D., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Harmony Books, New York, 2015.
[iii] John M. Gottman, PH.D., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Harmony Books, New York, 2015.
Happy Eternal Marriage and Family 